Dealing with pain and regret
The complete range of human experience includes moments of joy, triumph, pain, and regret. These emotions are universal, and everyone will experience them at some point. Pain and regret, in particular, can be paralyzing if left unaddressed.
In this essay we’ll explore strategies for dealing with pain and regrets, with a focus on what it means to do the right thing and how to work with the cycle of moving on, and ultimately how these experiences often hold the potential for growth and transformation.
Doing the right thing for yourself; and for others
What is "right"
One of the first challenges in dealing with pain and regrets is determining what the "right thing" to do actually is. This can differ depending on cultural, personal, and situational factors. The right thing is not always the easiest or most convenient choice; instead, it often involves courage, honesty, and a willingness to prioritize values over immediate gratification.
For example, if you’ve hurt someone through your actions, doing the right thing might involve apologizing sincerely and making amends. If you're dealing with your own pain, it could mean seeking help, prioritizing self-care, or making lifestyle changes that align with your well-being. Ultimately, the right thing is an act of integrity—a commitment to what is ethical and kind for both yourself and others.
Balancing self-care with empathy
It can be tempting to focus solely on helping others as a way to distract from your own pain or regrets. While compassion for others is vital, it should not come at the expense of neglecting yourself. Self-care is not selfish; it’s a foundation for being able to contribute positively to the lives of others.
By contrast, if you’ve been hurt in a relationship it can be tempting to lash out and try to hurt that person in return. This might make you feel better for a very short period of time, but almost always makes the world a worse place in the long run.
The ripple effect of kindness
When you make choices rooted in kindness and integrity, you create a ripple effect. Your actions inspire others to act with the same level of care and consideration. This can be as simple as showing gratitude, offering forgiveness, or being a source of stability for someone who is struggling even while disentangling your life from theirs. While it might not erase pain or regrets, it can foster a sense of purpose, integrity and authenticity that makes those emotions more manageable.
The cycle of moving on: recognition, acceptance, forgiveness
Recognition: Facing the truth
Moving on from pain and regrets begins with recognizing them. This means confronting the truth of what happened and acknowledging its impact on your life. Denial is a natural defense mechanism, but it only prolongs the hurting process and can delay the healing process. Recognition requires honesty and courage—to look at your experiences without minimizing or embellishing them.
For example, if you’re grappling with regret over a decision that harmed your career, recognizing the situation might involve identifying the specific choices that led to the outcome. It’s about understanding the root cause, whether it was impulsiveness, a lack of information, or external pressures.
Journaling can be an effective way to unpack complex emotions. Writing down what happened, how you felt, and what you’ve learned can provide clarity. Therapy is another valuable tool, offering a safe space to explore painful memories and gain perspective. The goal of recognition is not to dwell on what went wrong but to establish a foundation for understanding and growth.
Acceptance: Letting go of resistance
After recognizing the pain or regret, the next step is acceptance. This doesn’t mean condoning what happened or dismissing its significance. Instead, acceptance is about letting go of resistance to reality. It’s about acknowledging that the past cannot be changed, no matter how much you might wish otherwise.
Resistance often manifests as guilt, shame, or anger—emotions that keep you tethered to the past. Acceptance allows you to release these feelings and focus on the present moment. It’s a process that requires patience and compassion, both for yourself and for others involved.
Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help anchor you in the present. These techniques encourage you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Additionally, reframing your perspective can be powerful. Instead of viewing a regret as a failure, try to see it as a lesson that shaped who you are today.
Forgiveness: The ultimate liberation
Forgiveness is often the most challenging step in moving on, but it’s also the most liberating. Forgiving others—or yourself—does not mean forgetting or excusing what happened. Rather, it’s a choice to release the hold that pain and resentment have on your life.
Forgiving others
When someone has hurt you deeply, the idea of forgiveness can feel impossible. However, holding onto anger and bitterness only prolongs your suffering. Forgiveness is not about reconciliation; it’s about reclaiming your peace. It might involve writing a letter (whether or not you send it), speaking to a trusted friend, or engaging in rituals that symbolize letting go, such as releasing a balloon or lighting a candle.
Forgiving yourself
Self-forgiveness is equally important. Many people are harder on themselves than they are on others, carrying guilt and self-recrimination for years. To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging that you are human and therefore fallible. Reflect on the context of your actions and what you’ve learned from them. Imagine how you would comfort a friend in the same situation, and extend that same compassion to yourself.
The complete cycle
Recognition, acceptance, and forgiveness aren’t linear steps but a cycle that you may revisit multiple times. For instance, you might forgive someone only to discover lingering anger later, prompting another round of recognition and acceptance. This is normal and part of the healing journey. Over time, the intensity of the emotions diminishes, leaving space for peace and growth.
The transformative power of dealing with pain and regrets
While pain and regrets can feel overwhelming, they also hold the potential for transformation. They force you to confront difficult truths, develop resilience, and cultivate empathy. Each step you take towards healing—whether it’s doing the right thing, recognising your emotions, accepting reality, or forgiving—brings you closer to a version of yourself that is wiser, stronger, and more compassionate.
Ultimately, dealing with pain and regrets is not about erasing them but integrating them into your story in a way that empowers you. It’s a testament to your very human but personal and unique capacity for growth and renewal, even in the face of life’s most challenging moments.